She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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