Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
