Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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