i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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