i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
