so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
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Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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