I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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