He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
