I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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