My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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