Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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