i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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