you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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