I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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