If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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