you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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