The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize