When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
