i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
