It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
