i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
