why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
