No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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