Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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