I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
