I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
