She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
