Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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