I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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