it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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