What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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