Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my phone needs a breathalizer
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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