I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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