Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
