please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
