ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
