Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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