Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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