i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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