You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
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You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
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Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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