Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
