Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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