my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
