Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
