the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
