I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
