If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
