Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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