Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
