Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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