dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think people are normalizing furries
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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