If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
