I want to walk on stilts...naked
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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